When I am stuck in my life, when I don't see inspiration or bright path to walk towards the future. I simply stop for a bit, accept this unknown moment, look back in the past with gratitude. So much lessons there. Every moment of our life from the past created us how we are now. Some people don't want to go back, some people prefer to dwell on the past. Whatever makes them happy in that moment is great for for them. No judgement whatsoever.
I want to bring my personal observations here about my personal life. I was thinking I have started totally ew life in 2012 (we have now 2019) and I was enjoying myself to learn and grow in this new image of me, till now. After receiving constructive criticism, I had to go back to my past again, rethink, switch off, to finally look at myself at my work from different perspective.
I so much wanted to begin new life in 2012 and from that point, I nearly cut off all of my memories from life I had before. I so much wanted to be someone better, working hard every day, learning new things every day and receiving LABELS, diplomas,experiences. To become in service for people, to help others like me to become better, to help them heal.
Now 7 years later, I am happily going back with memories beyond 2012.
I come from family of very beautifully wounded people, they had love in the heart but they were never able to show it. Which was my first childhood trauma. Things were always working opposite, full of tears, misunderstanding, expectations and lack of self- esteem, or even better lack of belonging. I was always rebellian in nature, fighting with my parents. They wanted me to become a doctor, so:
* through my 8 years primary/ secondary school I was studying biology, chemistry and mathematics
* went to 4 years High School to be on faculty of biology and chemistry
* to finally go to university and making my parents unhappy, I have studied for 5 years Civil Engineering where 2 years of Geology was included in my study times. This time of my life was not cheap, I had to pay for my study while working, taking the most disgusting loans at that time called Provident.
* my first job was at grocery shop for one year, I didn't eat meat for nearly two years after that horrible experience
* my second job was underwear shop, all cool but having too bossy boss didn't work longer than 2 years
* in 2003 me and my partner decided to open the pub/ restaurant, name of it was TRANSILVANIA, just imagine this dracula theme and great settings. Unfortunately, we had not enough cash to start with, place were we lived didn't brought customers who could always pay. Eventually after the certain unpleasant incidents and fights in the pub, we decided to never open the door to the public again.
* trying luck with ecommerce companies from Germany and a few multilevel marketing companies till 2005
* in April 2005 I've had miscarriage with my first child after being 4.5 months pregnant, I have spent 2 weeks in bed with my rottweiler dog constantly drinking wodka. Not eating, just drinking. My friend who was taking my dog out that time saved my life, just being with me. In May 2005 I had nothing to lose and went to search for better life outside of my country. Couldn't go back home then, because I have heard many times. you are going to be on my rules till you live under my roof. The day I was ready to leave and waiting for the bus to London, my father told me: ' you will come back, quicker than you think and on your knees begging me to take you'
Well, this scenario never happened, opposite but later about that.
* Once in London, I have managed to get my first job in the Crisps factory, after few weeks of searching. £2.50 and hour working 12 hours a day but paid for 11. One break half an hour and 2 for 15 minutes unpaid. Just imagine, being in London and earning daily £27.50, (tube cost there more to get from one place to another if you cannot afford the monthly pass) well that was after 3 weeks of work. Agency was taking the deposit for the first two weeks of work and at the end of third week I would end up with something like £142.50 before tax. Luckily my supervisor was very demanding to have a date with me, so I've never came back to this work after being there for 3 days (soon Agency met the law and illegal activity that was in London paper in 2005, and gladly no more people suffered from them)
* next step was job in Bradford with accomodation, well that totally did not work, because the factory we were meant to work was going to be build in next 2 years.
* Highjack to Edinburgh then because on the map it sounded as a cool place, took us 24 h with £10 in the pocket and 4 beautiful souls to get us there, no possibilities of any person we could know there or job we could apply to be successful. Being homeless for few month, meeting the most upsetting parts of Edinburgh, witnessing young people dying from overdosing, being friends with those who sit on Princess Street.... nobody will take this time back from me and I am forever grateful for this experience, it was painful but priceless and I would never like to go back there for any money. In middle of all of this we have met Gypsies from Manchester, by this time I has few weeks job through agency for Dynamic Earth and my partner worked with gypsies.
* Then we moved to Manchester living with families of gypsies, beautiful time I must say. The people were full of love and care there, and never any harm happened. They were treating us as family and that was beautiful.
* In the August 2005 , miraculously I was offered full time job in Dynamic Earth as a night shift cleaner. Of course we came back from gypsy world in Manchester to search for better life in Edinburgh. The first month working in Dynamic Earth I had to hide and lie about my address, because officially I didn't have one, except Cowgate Centre (those days centre for homeless people) After 1 month we managed to rent a flat with beautiful couple we have met on the street. We lived together for over a year.
* Leaving job at Dynamic Earth in 2007 and going part time self-employed was a great journey as a new mum, well, I was quite successful.
* March 2008 times of going into employment again, from part time cleaner, to cleaning supervisor managing 35 people in my team till end of 2011 when I have left.
*December 2011. opening my physical shop with underwear called Pure Desire on Rose Street Edinburgh
*January 2012, my father passed away
*March 2012, my grandma passed away
*May 2012, closing doors to the business due to family circumstances
Few months of deep and angry tears, huge depression, anxiety, stress to Reiki, Crystal Healing and other Natural Healing Modalities
* I was guided to start my my holistic therapies with 21/12/2012 and the name came The Gates of Mu
* during the time from 2012 and 2019, I have received Reiki Master certificate, Crystal and Gem diploma, Lemurian Healing- Crystal Keys Level4 diploma, Advanced Reflexology diploma, I have studied Hawaiian Healing Wisdom with Gary, Iridology, Toltec Wisdom with Mexican Shamas, Firewalking Instructor Training, life of Bees and many more things
* to realise I know nothing
* to realise once I was trying to cut who I was before 2012, made me to be not myself. I have realised that my childhood experiences and everything I went through before I have decided to change my life for better and cut of part of mewas only hurting me. Now I know that for example foraging mushrooms and fungi world has to be part of my work. I began to learn about it when I was 4 and thanks to my best teacher and grandma those teachings even never written are still alive. Mathematics, Sacred geometry, medicine wheel.... Plus many more for me to explore and share. I always love to share, because I don't know for how long I will be on this planet.
Love to you
Thank you for reading it